A very close family member has passed away very, very suddenly. I am out of town and out of my head for about another week. Our family is very saddened and shocked by this news… and we are all shifting our respective lives to pay full respects to a woman we all cared a lot about.

I keep flashing back to the surreal-ty of my father’s passing (quite similar in the quick and shock factor) and am trying to tie up loose ends in the mean time… did I mention my Blackberry kicked too?

UGH.

I remember wishing the weather would be as gorgeous on September 16th, 2001 as I took my vows and D took his.

I remember thinking the placecards were not right. I had to fix them.

I remembered I had to confirm the number to the caterer and the crab house where we were having the rehearsal dinner.

I remember my boss coming into my class in tears saying the first tower was hit.

I remember wakening from my fantasy bridal state and feeling like I had just had my head pulled out of my ass and that there were bigger things happening around me.

I remember hearing about tower 2, then the Pentagon, then a missing plane that was off course.

I remember trying desperatley to call my fiancee’, my D and having no luck.

I remember talking to my father who told me through hell or high water that he would be in Baltimore on Sunday if he had to walk over all the bridges in New York to get there.

I remember talking to D who told me he would be at the Gramercy on Sunday with me and the officiant and that was all we really needed.

I remember panicking over all my family and friends who lived in and around the city, who rode trains under the towers, and who walked through the lobby doors and rode the elevators that were now burning.

I remember thinking that our president was hiding under a desk somewhere.

I remember feeling selfish thinking about our wedding and rearringing plans,upon plans, upon plans based on flight schedules and cancellations.

I remember crying a lot.

I remember shutting off the television because I could not cry any more.

I remember seeing my older brother, who waited for hours in the airport to board one of the first flights out of Arizona to Baltimore and thinking he really, truly loved me.

I remember 90 guests, who traveled from the NY,NJ,CT metro area standing up to the terrorists by coming to our wedding and celebrating love and life.

I remember hugging my friend Arnold extra hard because his home was a hairs breath away from the towers.

I remember the quiet kindness that followed us from Baltimore to Canada.

I remember a Canadian fire fighter putting his hand on my shoulder and telling me he was sorry.

I remember a childhood friend who lost his life.

And today, I promise never to forget that peace, kindness, and humanity matter above all else.

You, the bright and beautiful boy that I had always dreamed of , you are a self-proclaimed “big boy”. You are charming, energetic, smart, and inquisitive. You are creative. you have the soul of an artist and the sensitivity that will bring you many good friends in this life.

You are my joy. A joy that grows and expands with each inch you grow and with each pound you gain. A joy that I felt for the first time on August 27th, 2003 at 8:20 pm. A joy that is so inspiring that you make me want to be the best human that I can be. Every day you remind me how I would like our world to be for you and yours. Everyday I strive to create that place for you.

You are imprinted on my heart. Like a seal that holds it together and helps it to pump stronger. You are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing that I think about in the evening. I have always told you that I kept a tiny piece of your heart in mine. You and your daddy are the heart of my hearts.

You are very, very bright. You read us a brand new book this morning. You could read your 5th Birthday book. Your daddy and I teared up at that magical moment when the power of words and the world of language opened its gate to you and welcomed you into the fold. That magic will sustain you through every part and parcel of this lifetime. I hope you grow to love language as we do. You already have a pretty large vocabulary and use it well and often!

The shoes you have on in this picture are your daddy’s. You are so very like him. In all of the best possible ways, you are your father’s son. You boys are a wicked hard force of nature when you get going. It is no use for me to resist the silly jokes, the very dry sense of humor, the witty comebacks, and those beautiful, long lashed, kind brown eyes. Those shoes of your daddy’s are not for you to fill. They are for you to grow into and find the right fit for you. Just know that your daddy will be walking in his shoes right behind you to catch you when you fall.

You, my beautiful son, have made us a family. I celebrate your birth as the birth of my little family. In my book, the most joyous day of the year is August 27th. You have celebrated your birthday with your friends and family already… and tonight we continue the celebration. And in the evening, when all of the pizza is eaten and the candles are blown out, I will tell you that I love you so much. If I cry a little or hug a little more tightly tonight… you’ll understand….right?

Happy 5th Birthday Joshua.

I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I am living, my baby you’ll be.

Mommy

oxox

I have 902 unread bloglines… I am contemplating marking them all read and starting over….*sigh*

Six glorious days left….

photo courtesy of Christian Montone

Notice my sidebar button? I have not been silent about my support for Barack Obama. I support the right to choose whatever candidate one wishes… but my guy in November is Senator Obama.

The Knitter for Obama group on Ravelry is a very active forum filled with over 2000 fiber-philes that are as excited about the possibility of change as I am. They are holding a raffle that is chock full of amazing prizes!

Here is the information:

A perfect evening with a very good friend.

Love you Chris!

I am so inundated with work and life stuff that i feel like I am in a quagmire.

I have been working like 24-7 with small bits of joy interspersed… I promise that I will be back soon!

Biggest highlight:

Taking the cowboy to see They Might Be Giants for his first concert and getting a picture with Marty, the drummer. (My buddy will be sending the photo soon)

Remind me to tell you some stories about me and drummers, ok?